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Writer's Block: Time to move on

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I want to get out of here so badly that I really can't think of anything that I would miss.

Well, except for my friends. I'd miss them, but there really isn't anything else I'd miss.

I am ready to get the hell out of this place.

Apr. 25th, 2011

死に落ちてください! *cute kawaii grin* (^ ^)

Ahahahaha, mmm. Do I really have to go back to work tomorrow??!?

Writer's Block: Beep, Bop, Boop

What was the first video or computer game you ever played? Did you love it or hate it, and why?

I can't remember very clearly because I was no older than five (yeah that is write no older than five) but it was probably either Dragon Warrior or Final Fantasy (the original). I loved both of them. Also, there was Super Mario, Duck Hunt, and the Legend of Zelda. They were just all great games, and I enjoyed playing them. I remember going to some video store to rent them. I also started to get into anime at this time... :-) At the ripe old age of five. *snicker*
I'm feeling mighty full of myself today, and well for me that is either rather odd or maybe I just think to highly of myself everyday. I am not to certain of either of these things, because I fairly certain I can no longer understand my own thoughts...or they are just littered with pure nonsense.

I set the bar high so I hope you can clear it...see now that is my own self-involved narcissism there. *snicker* Although, I do feel like there is a bit of deserved confidence there. I'd never consider myself the prettiest or the nicest or the smartest, but can one not think of oneself as something that is worthy of at least some kind of value.

I've noticed now, that if you post a photograph of yourself, or mention your-self you are bragging or an attention whore.

Well, if you are posting a photo isn't it human nature to want it to be "flawless" or "attractive" (both of which are terms that are subject to human perspective...and cannot be deemed with any sort of algorithm or mathematical equation to be absolutely true for all people), and in turn be recognized as such by someone else. Aren't we all screaming for attention and recognition?? So why do we insist to drag others down who do it...blaming them for their own insecurities or desires to be told they are worth something...

Generally, one would assume, that it stems from jealously. I call shenanigans there though, because to "hate" someone or to "despise" (or whatever word you deem fit) someone for their ___________ (appearance, wealth, job, status, etc..) doesn't necessarily mean jealously does it?? Perhaps, in a finite way yes...but does it always assume jealously.

Jealous meaning you want what someone has, (and this is separate I suppose from the relationship type of jealously) in some fashion or another. You wish you could be them in a sense. However, there have been plenty of people (hypocrisy, ne? we all do it, day in and day out...I start to think it's a requirement of being human) I've "disliked" because of their actions or appearance (shallow right?? We've all done it though, I'm just admitting to it.) or whatever, but not wanted to be like them. Perhaps, it's my misanthropic nature to naturally dislike people as a whole. So, I then begin to think...gee, whatever happened to me??

I used to be such a nice girl. Really, I did. Now, I know what you may be saying, "you are nice". Maybe I am. Not like I used to be though. I used to be, a sweet, kind, thoughtful, ready to save the planet kind of girl...The world...it makes you so jaded. The longer you live in it, the longer you are sucked into that Tornado of life, that will one day spit you out bloodied and bruised on the ground, where in which you look back and go, how'd I ever survive with my soul in tact.

Even now, in the midst of it all, the whirling spinning sands that blind you at every turn, I can see the person I used to be being ripped away by the sands and the winds. Some days I turn and look back trying to see where it was I came from and I loose sight of it. Scraps and pieces of the person I was floating about in the abyss. So now, here I am, deep within it all, unable to see my way out or where I came in... I think most of us...we are stuck in that same place...and so scared and afraid we have to do anything we can to make us feel better, while our layers are slowly peeled away to find the truth underneath it all.

I think. That truth. That's the scariest thing in the world to us. We all want to believe that the person under it all is a good person, that our outside had matched our inside. That the trials and tribulations wouldn't leave us broken. Can we rise above this storm? Well, I'll let you know when the clouds break and the sunlight is revealed once more...but for now...I am not sure if I want to find the exit...is that terribly masochistic of me??
The song "Red" by The Gazette. I will NEVER tire of it. It is that good. :-)
Why is it that I blog angry? Or annoyed? Or whatever it is?!

So here it goes. It was nice to know you. It was great while it lasted and I pretty sure I had fun, but I can only give what I get. I am tired of giving, and getting not a whole lot back. Bottom line, I wish you the best in your life. You deserve to have all the success you dream of. Dreams are important. Do what you need to do to succeed, because clearly at this point I am not part of that. Really, and honestly, that is okay though. You used me to get what you needed, and I hope I helped you along the way. I'm not mad, or upset. Actually, I am happy that you found what it was you needed. Enjoy your life and I hope that you continue to move forward to wherever it is you will go. Never give up on your goals, I hope that one day in the future our paths will cross again.

It was nice knowing you, goodbye.
It felt good to not think about anything last night. I miss that time and those opportunities. I don't really have them anymore. So thank to Imouto :-) for helping me just not think about life for a little while last night. It was fun! <3 I am now counting down till Spring break 50 some days!

To Make or Not to Make...

New Years Resolutions. An american "custom" I suppose. Do other countries make resolutions? Every year I make stupid ones. Lose weight, eat better, don't drink soda, exercise more. All kinds of things, and I never stick to them. For whatever reason or the other. Making an excuse for this or that. So here instead I am going to make a set of goals. Goals that I have a time line for. Perhaps this will work, maybe it wont. I don't know. I thought about listing them here, but I realized these need a lot of thought and consideration. Of course these resolutions will ultimately involve Japan, Japanese, and probably my health.I suppose I may start using this journal to track my goals.

Also I start my new job next week so either I'll be thrilled by my new class or at a loss for words by how absolutely unruly they are. I doubt that it'll be the latter though, because frankly...I can be scary when I want to be... ahahahaha

That is all for now I suppose. Perhaps this new "goal" will having me updating more than once every six months.

Because others always say it better....

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in form far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine. And you really will have to make it through the violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it may be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.
And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When yo come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about..."

Kafka on the Shore By: Murakami Haruki-sama
I feel like I am crawling back from the dead here....

Zombie Me! *chuckles*